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November 14 tangles, anxiety day

I woke up feeling really anxious and took my meds, it didn't help much, so I was drawing for a bit to distract myself. This is my first tangle of the day.

This is a simple tangle I did when I was feeling anxious. I did it in blue gel pen, since I ran out of black ones, but it looks better in B&W. I added a lot of shading. I used a blue gel pen and a pencil, and a compass to make the circle.

I wanted to write a word, so I decided on "Fear" because that was sort of how I felt. I was anxious and fearful of everything. Anxiety blows. I did the F as a zentangle alphabet letter, but got bored with it and decided to just write the "ear" in my handwriting and add small patterns to it.

This is one of my favourite zentangles I've done. I used something I found on Google as a reference and drew it in black fine tip marker, which is dying, I need more. I then added the patterns with a pencil and the black felt tip pen, and coloured it in with watercolour markers and made a thick outline around the entire thing with a black watercolour marker. 

I'm feeling less anxious now.

Paranoia

It's hard to explain psychosis. It's even harder to draw it. Yes, I hear voices, have delusions, get paranoid and more. No, I'm not violent (true fact: those with mental illness are more likely to be the victims of a crime than commit the crime itself) but my mind can get pretty scary. I've never hit another person.

My delusions are on the line that I influence people with my mind, such as causing them sickness because I'm toxic. I can't look people in the eyes because they'll be able to read my mind. Stuff like that. So I made this zentangle. It's not exactly a zentangle, but its doodle art, so I'm posting it.

All of my black gel pens are now dead so I'll be posting in blue for a bit, after this, or red. I went through a set of 12 black gel pens with zen doodles!

With paranoia, nothing goes the right way or makes any sense. Your mind is essentially tangled up. Fortunately, I didn't draw this while paranoid. I used ideas from an old painting I did, the faces with arms and the eyes. I wanted a lot snaking through.
Take it for what it's worth. I'm no artist. But this is how I draw one symptom: paranoia.

A couple happier tangles

Since my psychiatrist raised the artane and gabapentin, I've been feeling better. I made these two tangles just experimenting and making letters (well, for the first one).

I think my mixed episode is over, but I haven't calmed completely down.

Here's my name. I want to make a complete alphabet. Just not tonight!

And here is one called Sunny Hours because it has a sunset feel. I got my inspiration on Google (just Googling "zentangle" to get ideas) My favourite part is the bottom with the flowers.

Irritation tangle

I've been having a lot of problems with irritability and agitation lately, which, turns out (my psychiatrist caught this one) my antipsychotic Piportil has been causing akathasia, also known as internal restlessness, and also some general restlessness on the outside too.

He raised my Artane, which is an Anti-Parkinson's drug used to treat akathasia and other side effects from antipsychotics (such as extrapramidal symptoms and involuntary jerking body movements) and it's helping so far. I also don't have a cold anymore. My mood is less "mixed episode" and more "almost hypomanic, bouncing back and forth on that fine line".

So this is my irritation zentangle. It sucks, to be honest, but it's hard to do anything when you're irritated.

In a better mood, did some more positive tangles

In a better mood today. I was miserable when I woke up to a text from my neigbour, but I got up, took my meds (am meds: 100mg Gabapentin, 0.5mg Clonazepam, 20mg Ritalin) and went out for a smoke. We went to a used tire place and got me a spare tire after I deposited my roommates rent into my account. They put air in my one tire, which I'm hoping doesn't have a nail in it or something.

I made this start tangle, it was hard to get the star right. I drew a hexagon to put the star in and decided to leave the hexagon around it. I think it turned out pretty cool.

Click to view bigger

It's a pretty simple tangle to do, only took me about half hour. I like it a lot.

Here's my second tangle. I did it in my journal, so smaller paper, and was looking at a similar one on Google. I used a lot of different tangles and a lot of line tangles, as you can see. I chose the word "hope" because I actually have some.

Click to view bigger.

I really like the way "hope" turned out. It was more complex and took me a couple of hours. 

I'm going to Hooters for wings tonight, yum, I can't wait.

My roommate drama is over with a hug, on last Saturday, which was good because I was really freaked out. I don't want to lose my roommate as a friend, and I didn't. I just need to keep my big mouth shut sometimes!

An update! Oh my!

I'm still stuck in this mixed episode and feeling pretty negative. I went riding today and did a bounce (jump one fence, no stride, jump the other fence in a row), bareback (no saddle) at a canter, which was pretty cool. I started a new journal. Here's the first entry with a zentangle horse.

Not my best tangle, but I like it, and it gets what I did today.

Next is a tangle I made while feeling really shitty. I see my psychiatrist on the 10th and it couldn't come any sooner. Yes, it could, actually, but the 10th it is. Sigh.

Click to view it larger. I put a lot of writing into it, and a lot of simple tangles. I couldn't get my one tangle right, and felt like I fucked up the whole thing. Ugh. 

Mixed episodes suck. One minute I'm up, the next I'm down, then I'm agitated and irritable. 

Now here's one I did with some inspiration from Google. It's a heart, and I like it. My mood had lifted since making the negative scribble one above.

That one I used simple tangles and a lot of line work. I like it. I need to steady my hands. They shake. 

A colour tangle with an actual theme

Wow, today has been kinda rough on me.. Fighting with my roommate (hopefully it'll resolve itself tonight, I hate conflict), got my Piportil injection (no, it doesn't hurt) and saw the trans* doc. She asked me a lot about my life, my medical history, how I identify with my gender, what I want to do, if I eventually want to transition (yes, female to male, but right now I'm an "it", or a "they").

I had lots of blood work, an EKG and a urine sample. Fun times. The urine sample is always the worst part. Ugh.

Oh well, its over now. My moods improved a bit with the Gabapentin, but at 100mg, the dose is still really low and it's not doing much. Maybe it's just the weather. Hopefully its the Gabapentin.

Here's what I did today. I found a similar tangle in a book I have and I just drew the "stalks", or the triangle ended strings, and coloured them in with Sharpies and fine-tip markers I have (note to self: use watercolour markers, they're much better). I used a felt tip to line it since I'm almost out of gel pens. It turned out decently.

I drew the general outlines, which was overlapping what, did some erasing, did some drawing with the felt pen, and came to something I liked. I like it. It's very Africa-y.. I know that's not a word, but fuck it. I was bored and kinda creative. I used different simple tangles that I knew already. Nothing complex here. I loved colouring it in. When I finished, I added the little embellishments. I like it. It doesn't have a name. Maybe "Get me the fuck out of here".

As always, click the image to view full size. Enjoy.

The Zentangle Process (well, mine)

I've been tangling a lot lately because I'm in a mixed episode (mania + depression, fun times!) and bored. My roommate is pissed at me and I feel really bad.. waiting for the new med, Gabapentin, a second line treatment, to kick in.. so I've been tangling. Here's my process.

First, I draw on the paper with a pencil, and do the strings and outline and stuff. It looks like this (I'll show you two)

This is a more "common" zentangle, I found something similar online and wanted to reproduce it. 

This was just me scribbling around a few circles. I started outlining in pen. All you need is paper, a pencil (if you're more daring, you don't need the pencil) and a pen of some sort. I use gel pens or thin tip felt pens. 99% of my zentangles and tangle art I do with a gel pen, except I've run through a LOT of them.

Next I outline my scribbles with black and add some embellishments. You can use any colour, you don't have to outline the strings (the parts inside) but I prefer to. Some of my zentangles I've done without outlining the strings. This is my outcome.

I didn't take a pic of just the outline, but I filled in some circles with patterns I often use, or ones I find online. This site has a lot of tangles, and I also bought the book (which was a mistake, it just links you to the patterns online. What a waste of $15!)

Here's the outline for the second one. I did add a few more strings as I went on.

Then I fill in all of the strings, and add embellishments as I go. Here they are partway through.

Well, the second one, anyways. You can see it coming along. I just fill with patterns. I always draw my tangles (patterns) first in pencil, and then outline in black, then add the shading. I get pretty messy. 

Here they are done!

The first one I did in a more common zentangle form, with the curved outlines, and the circles in it, with strings going to a main area.

This one is just a lot of random scribbles and patterns added. I tried out a few new patterns. See the circle in the almost middle? I finally nailed that pattern. 

Enjoy, and go tangle!

Animal Zentangles

These are fun to do. I draw the basic outline and a face and make random lines to put the tangles in and decorate the animal.

I used a gel pen (black) and a pencil. These are my first animal zentangles

Some random tangles

I find I tangle a lot when I'm bored or upset. It gives me something to focus on. Trust me, I've gotten frustrated and ripped a few pages out. But I still tangle. It's relaxing. I have anxiety issues, not as bad as they used to be and schizoaffective disorder, so it's kind of a grounding technique.

I don't do it to be an artist. I'm NOT an artist, I suck at drawing, but this relaxes me and gives me an interesting, abstract piece of work when I'm finished. It's like knitting, I get a finished product.

Not my best tangle, but I was playing with negative space a bit.

Done with a black gel pen and a pencil. See the tangle in the bottom almost-circle on the right? That's one of my favourites to use. I was also experimenting with using different tangles, and large spaces.

This is a scribble tangle I did and I really like it. I was anxious and having a bad day, so I looked up some tangles to use, and came up with this. I love weird shapes and abstract.

I did this while I was waiting for a psychiatrists appointment. I get bad appointment anxiety and I started it when I woke up in the morning and finished it after my appointment, which went well. 

I take:

• Piportil depot, 75mg every other week. Piportil is a typical antipsychotic available everywhere except the US and crushes my psychosis. Every two weeks I go and get the shot, and I've been good in the psychosis department on it. It's a great med. It worked fast, and I haven't had delusions, paranoia or hallucinations since starting it in February, at 50mg. The dose was just increased.
• Clonazepam, 2mg. I take 1mg during the day in divided doses (so 0.5mg in the morning, 0.5mg near the evening, and 1mg to help me sleep at night)
• Ritalin, 30mg. I also have ADHD and this also helps with the negative symptoms from schizoaffective disorder. Negative symptoms are lack of motivation, being very tired, monotone speech, basically lacking in energy and drive. Some people get catatonic. Schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder is often thought that you only hear voices and get paranoid, but its much more than that.
• Seroquel, 100mg. This is an antipsychotic, but at this low dose, it helps me sleep.
• Gabapentin, 100mg and going up. Gabapentin is an anti-convulsant sometimes used for pain and seizures that is also a second line treatment for bipolar disorder - which is a part of schizoaffective disorder (the "affective" part means "mood") Combined with my other meds it stabilizes my moods and helps with anxiety.
• Artane, 5mg. This is an anti-Parkinson's drug I take for side effects caused by the medication. I take it as needed (PRN) and I don't experience many side effects. Piportil can make you have random body movements, called extrapyramidal symptoms, or even tardive dyskenesia (very rare) so this helps stop that. I find the injection form of antipsychotics to have few to no side effects. My worst side effect currently - dry mouth. Whoopidy-doo!

My name in color tangle

I go by "San". I'm genderqueer and prefer androgynous names and appearance. I have a shaved head and dress in androgynous style. I use a gender-neutral name and gender-neutral pronouns (they, their, etc, rather than using confusing ones I made up myself).

I see a therapist about my gender issues and my mom is supportive. I've always been more of a tomoy and liked boyish things, and kept my hair short.

I identify as genderqueer or gender-questioning and pansexual.

It's so hard to explain. It can be confusing. I can get dysphoric about my gender some days. Am I a boy? Am I a girl? I'm somewhere on the spectrum. Here's a pic of the gender spectrum. I fall at "7".

The Gender Spectrum, an easy explanation.

My name doodle.

I did this with a gel pen and fine tip markers and a pencil to do the outline.

A colour tangle - Rainbow ahoy!

I did this in a scribble tangle fashion, making loops that overlay. I didn't shade anything and I outlined each area with the colour I was using. This is my first time doing a tangle with colours, and I like it. I did the ROYGBIV thing while colouring, so there isn't really any reason for what is coloured what way, I just did it in rainbow. Enjoy!

Some more tangles

These are some scribble tangles I did and shaded with pencil, and I'm very happy with them. I did them out of boredom, and got decent results. Here they are.

By the way, I'm going to start uploading some of the patterns I use in my tangles soon.

This is one of my favourites. I started by drawing an "S" and went from there.

Zen Dangle

I found a cool book on Zen Dangles on Amazon and bought it (it was like $3) and have it on my Samsung Galaxy Mega (crap phone, good tablet) Kindle app. I thought it was neat. Here are a few attempts.

This is my first attempt.

This is my first attempt at a circle dangle

And this was just goofing around coming up with a cover for a book I'm working on.

Scribble Tangle

I like to make what I call "scribble tangles" where I draw a long line and swirl it around and come up with a pattern, then I fill it in with zentangle patterns. I have a lot of fun doing that. Most of my zangles (zen tangles) are scribble tangles. I think it's a lot of fun.

This one I like a lot, and I'm getting better at it. I never use a ruler, and I just scribble in. I used a black gel pen and a pencil. That's all you really need, really. I had some fine tip pens, but they died fast. I go through a gel pen every few days. I got a 12 pack at the dollar store for 2 bucks. I like the smoothness and darkness of a gel pen. I didn't add any shadowing with a pencil for this.

The black and white checkerboard pattern is one I use in almost all my zen tangles. It's my favourite. This isn't the best zen tangle out there, but it helped me relax.

I forever walk around with smudges on my finger. I did this tangle when I was pretty irritated. I stopped naming them. It helps me relax.

This also helps me relax. Horseback riding. Here's Sully and I on a trail ride. It was the first official day of fall. I got him a cute cupcake saddle pad and I wear a purple My Little Pony Helmet (not to shows)

Happy 30th Birthday

I just turned 30. WOW. I don't look it. Here's a pic of me.

That's a crap webcam pic, but hey, it hides my ugliness. :P I shaved my head a few days after my birthday. And I knit the shrug I'm wearing in the pic.

This is what my mom got me. It's from Swarovski.

It's my lucky horseshoe, made out of stainless steel and Swarovski crystals. It's beautiful. Such a nice gift. I horseback ride. Here's a pic of my horse and I at a show. We didn't pin, but it was our first show and I had only been riding him for a month. His name is Sully, or "Sultan of Swing". We've made huge improvements since.

Isn't he a pretty boy? I'm smiling but he's got an "I'm bored!" look on his face. He's a Trakenher. That's a breed of German warmbloods. He's 15 and takes such good care of me. I heart him. It was about 35 C that day, and our class was at 4pm, so we were both soaked in sweat after. I entered him in the Hack division. I know now that I get nervous in huge groups of horses - there were 20 of us in that ring. He was a star, did go a bit fast, but I didn't fall off, and my roommate/coach was so proud of us. We aren't showing that series next year, and we're showing at a local barn this winter.

Here's my happy 30th doodle.

I was just doodling for the sake of doodling. I didn't shade much with pencil, and it's an earlier doodle, where I didn't have many patterns to use. I also had never doodled numbers before.

I had a good birthday. Got taken out for supper three times, and went to a tack sale in Brantford. I got a Breyer Horse and a t-shirt, as well as a stop at Greenhawk on the way home where I got some brown breeches for schooling (only tan is allowed in showing unless you're in dressage, than it's white, EEK!) and a bracelet with my guinea pig, Skrinkle, name on it.

I was initially going to make this a cat, but didn't. I'm no artist, but I like to doodle. It's fun. It's relaxing. I try to do it daily.

Mandala Attempt

Mandala's are supposed to be positive and peaceful and all that crap.

Something I'm not really. I have schizoaffective disorder and I'm on a crapload of medication for it because I tend to get manic and have a hard time coming down. I drew this before my 30th birthday.

I used a protractor to make the circles. They aren't 100% even. Oh well. I've never called myself an artist. It's just a doodle.

I put some positive text in it and then coloured it using my watercolour markers. I need to get out my watercolour paints, again, I'm not an artist, but I like to doodle.

This is my first and only mandala. I need to get a compass to get the circles right. The dollar store didn't have any. Boo.

Pardon the crappy artistry. I tried.

The Early Tangles

I started tangling a couple of weeks ago and would like to share some of my tangles with you. Below is one of my first tangles, on 8.5x11" paper, done with a gel ink pen and a pencil. I just drew the generic shape and filled it in with black ink (gel pen) and like how it turned out. I love doing big tangles that take days.

This one is entitled "Please let me sleep tonight" because I was going through a period of insomnia and it wouldn't fuck off.

After several doctors appointments, phone calls and more a combination of clonazepam and Seroquel had me sleeping again.

I did sleep that night.
Click for a full view.